Table of Contents

• Why People Don’t Have Friends

  • Risk-Aversion

  • Main Character Syndrome

• How I Make Friends

  • Playing to your strengths…

  • …and stepping out of your comfort zone

• How You Can Make Friends

• Conclusion

• Anecdotes

  • Anecdote 1: Making friends as a graduate in your f …

  • Anecdote 2: Making friends while attending a debat …

  • Anecdote 3: Stories from my friends

Why People Don’t Have Friends

Discussions on the ‘loneliness epidemic’ are rampant on social media. I agree that it is probably harder than it was to make friends (coming as a 26-year old self-proclaimed introvert), but I think most of my generation would rather succumb to circumstance than to try change their situation.

To me, the issue comes down to two things:

• Risk-aversion - Which is set in a lack of ego, a lack of belief that you can do things even when faced with rejection/setbacks.

• Main character syndrome - Which is set in an abundance of ego, a belief that you deserve things, without necessarily deserving it.

By definition, these two ideas contradict each other. How can you have both a lack and an abundance of ego? By having a sense of entitlement for things you haven’t deserved.

Let’s dig deeper.

Risk-Aversion

(Throughout this piece, ‘go out’, ‘going out’, and similar permutations all refer to spending time with said person doing an activity. It is not ‘going out’ in the context of dating.)

People are afraid of rejection because they take it as an attack on their character (and ego), rather than a commentary of their circumstance. Yes, there is a chance the other person does not want to go out with you, but it could equally be; they are travelling, they are sick, they are seeing other friends, they are taking their pet to the vets. None of these are because they don’t want to spend time with you, rather their time is already allocated to other activities.

If the person who rejected your request due to genuine circumstance shares the sentiment that they would like to spend time with you then you may find they offer an alternative date/time to go out.

In my experience, most people do not offer alternative options and the conversation is left at the rejection or last minute cancellation. This is the scenario people are most afraid of, being rejected and there being no apparent reconciliation. Thankfully, if this person is a classmate or a colleague, you’ll likely speak to them in person soon enough and be able to gauge whether or not you should ask them out again. In such circumstances, I usually give them another 1-2 chances by asking them out before deciding whether I want to continue spending my energy on them.

These days, more people are meeting mutuals via online platforms, X, Discord, Hinge (or the plethora of other dating apps). If the other person cancels or rejects the plans once, I won’t actively follow up again. This isn’t to mean ghost them, but rather drop a message asking for their availability and then the onus is on them to work with you.

The lack of ego in asking people out is present because you feel like that rejection is a permanent mark on your relationship with that person, preventing you from asking them again in the future. But more often than not, you’re the only one tracking that rejection, and anyone keeping track is not worth having around anyway.

Main Character Syndrome

Main Character Syndrome (MCS) is where someone views themselves as the main character of their story/life, and that all others in their life are there to serve them or benefit them (an abundance of ego). This isn’t a formal definition, nor is it a recognised medical condition (however, it has overlapping behaviours with narcissism).

Everyone experiences MCS, it is crucial to feel important in your own life as part of your wider wellbeing. But those who experience it too strongly feel as if people owe them by inviting you to do things, often persistently, despite you having done nothing to deserve it.

Social media is partly to blame. Posting on social media often puts forwards the best parts of people’s lives, the ‘main character’ moments, dinners, graduations, parties, and holidays. These posts skip out on the mundane, uninteresting, and ‘ugly’ parts of your day, mostly reserved for the ‘close friends’ story. This puts an invisible pressure on yourself that your life should be same, all the time, often leading people to chase a similar high and leaving them discontent if their life doesn’t reflect what they see on social media.

An abundance of ego leads you to believe you are important, that you should be invited to those dinners, parties, and events. But does the other person see you as an important person in their life such that they want to invite you to those moments? Probably not. I could go on about how having expectations is the thing that sets you up for disappointment, and how you can be happier by tempering your expectations, but I’ll save that for another piece.

How I Make Friends

It’d be rude of me to point out a problem, one which I’m working on solving for myself, without giving away what works for me (and will hopefully work for you too). Later, I’ll give some ideas about how you could make friends, and stories from myself (and friends) who have put some of these into action.

Playing to your strengths…

Catching up one-to-one with people is where I feel most comfortable. I find it harder to navigate bigger group environments, and generally prefer the more intimate environments where your discussions can travel without regard for the collective conscience, allowing deliberate bonds to be created.

Thankfully, all it takes is a “Hey, it’s been a while, we should catch up over [coffee/food/activity]. I’m free on [availability].” This works well with friends who you haven’t seen in months/years because of life being busy but still have a bond with them. Don’t forget to apply some common sense, if they are extremely iffy about committing to a date, they might not want to catch up (refer to the Risk-Aversion section on people not offering alternatives).

Here is the part the will probably get most people. You need to be genuinely interested in the person. Healthy relationships aren’t just about you, or just about them, it’s a delicate dance of sharing things, asking things, and genuinely enjoying their company. You need to remember their hobbies, ask them what books they’ve read, if they’ve travelled recently, how their family is doing. Life Hack: If that person has posted something on their social media about travel, food, or anything, you can just bring that up in conversation and they’ll be happy to talk about it.

If you’re concerned about running out of things to talk about and there being an awkward silence that’s fine. You don’t need to catch up for hours and hours. Some of my friends I can get by with 60-minutes, whereas others we can chat over coffees for hours. If you do genuinely run out of things to talk about, you can either enjoy the company in silence (something I find easier to do with introverts), or thank them for their time and part ways for the day.

…and stepping out of your comfort zone

I often felt like people didn’t invite me to things, or that I was never in the know of when things were happening. I found there was an easy way to change that, become the person doing and planning the things, but I was also scared of rejection.

How do you get over the rejection anxiety? Easy, just keep asking and keep getting rejected.

This started with impromptu asks of my closest friends to go for walks, to head to the mall, or going out and grabbing dinner. This got me used to low-level rejection: “Sorry I’ve got a lot of work to do”, “I need to go out with my mum”, “It’s too cold”. It hurt because I wasn’t used to rejection, but it also didn’t matter because they were my closest friends.

Eventually it evolved into me asking people to do things that I want to do. Is there a gallery I think some friends would find interesting? I reach out to them and try organise a date. A lot of the time it doesn’t go to plan because of conflicting schedules, but I can always try again a few weeks later. You also need to accept that you won’t get everyone there all the time, you can still have a good time even if only half of the people can make it.

Ultimately, be the person who says, “Let’s do it.” And then get it done.

My notable example was when booking our flights for 8 people to Japan. We had picked the dates, picked the times, everyone was in the call, and I popped the question, “Should I book it?” I knew if we left it, getting everyone together again would take weeks, by that time flight prices would have changed and thrown the plan out the window. Everyone agreed, I put down my credit card, booked the flights, and shared my details so everyone could pay me.

Admittedly, there are things that could have gone wrong, someone might not have paid, or they had a change of plans. But in the group I was in, that wasn’t a concern. Either they had already paid for their flight, or they weren’t going to Japan (a bit harsh, I know).

How You Can Make Friends

Start small, ask a close friend out for coffee, a walk, or online catchup (in the case of online friendships). If they say no for whatever reason, ask the next person. Accept that people may reject the request, and it is fine if it makes you anxious. Just remember, they probably aren’t rejecting because you asked, but because of their circumstance.

Before you see them, write down or mentally prepare some questions. Remember what they like, ask them what they’ve read recently, or where they’ve travelled. Perhaps they’re into cooking, ask if they’ve made any recipes they’ve particularly enjoyed. Ask if they’ve seen that new show on Netflix, or watched this season’s popular anime. Show a genuine interest and curiosity in the things they are interested in.

While you’re there, be present. Put your phone in your pocket or bag, don’t have it on the table, if you need to check your phone, ask, “Do you mind if I check my phone?” They won’t say no, but it is a common courtesy. Ultimately, you need to understand that as much as they’re giving you their time, you are also giving them yours, so mutual respect should be maintained.

Once you’ve parted way, drop them a message, “It was great to see you, we should do this again sometime!” Add some flavour with “Enjoy your time in [country]” or “Let me know if [restaurant] is worth visiting” If they respond with a similar sentiment, perfect. That’s permission to reach back out in a few days/weeks/months (depending on the person) to catchup again.

If you’re feeling a bit more adventurous, reach out to a group of people (either in a group chat, or each person individually) and organise a picnic or a group coffee catchup, something with minimal financial and time commitments. It is unlikely that you’ll get everyone there, but you’ll get some people.

If the potential lack of turnout makes you shaky, ask a trusted member of that group if they are free on that day first, if so, let them know you’ll invite others too. In the worst case, you’ll be there with someone you’re already friends with, in the best case, everyone turns up.

Conclusion

Hopefully this helps someone, because I am sure there are many others like me who find themselves in similar situation as I did. At the end of the day, I am no master of social situations, but I am definitely more aware and better at it than I was.

I will note that this is by no means a universal guide, and won’t apply to everyone in the same way, so use some discretion when applying it your own life and relationships.

If you still want more convincing, below I’ve got some anecdotes. Some from my experiences, and some I’ve seen from friends.

Anecdotes

These are just some examples where I have seen what I discussed being applied. Some are personal experiences, some are experiences told by my friends. They are just here to hopefully give you some inspiration that the things I’ve discussed are actionable.

Anecdote 1: Making friends as a graduate in your first job

In July 2021 I started my first job after finishing my Master’s degree a few months prior. The company is a global technology consulting firm, and I joined through their graduate job scheme. I was one of about thirty-five across UK and Ireland.

This period was during the global pandemic, our local offices were still closed except for special circumstances, and that went for us grads too. Our first few months on the job was training to ensure that everyone had the same baseline of skills before we got to working on projects.

As someone coming out of university and into work, I was keen to meet new people and gain new perspectives. This was quite difficult to do in an all-remote environment, and this sentiment was shared across everyone.

I reached out to some people also on the graduate program who I found interesting and wanted to be friends with and reached out, asking if they would like to get dinner. Fortunately, being in the same boat as me meant it didn’t take much further convincing to get something organised.

These people eventually became core colleagues for me at work, one where we could freely share ideas (and work woes), without the fear of judgement because we were in separate teams. Since their departure from the company, we still speak regularly and catch up over dinner from time to time.

Anecdote 2: Making friends while attending a debate

In May 2022, I attended a debate where a friend of mine was part of the panel (probably the right word). We weren’t particularly close, we had some mutuals, but he was speaking on a topic of interest to me and publicised it on social media so I let him know I was going.

At the event, I met said friend and was also introduced to some other friends he had invited. A few of them I was acquainted with from school, other were complete strangers to me.

At the end of the event as everyone split into groups respective of which way they were travelling, I found myself with the friend who was part of the debate, and his friend who I had not met prior to today. It turned out that this friend lived a short walk away from me.

Him (the new friend) and I, ended up getting off the train a station early, sending the other friend on his way (he had a connecting train), and then walking towards home. During this walk back, it was clear that he had a personality and energy about him which I really appreciated. Our conversations got a little deep, and eventually we shared contact details and parted ways.

In the almost 3-years since then, he has become a great friend, one who I can see regularly due to proximity, and one which I can have inspiring conversations with where I am forced to question my own beliefs and assumptions.

Anecdote 3: Stories from my friends

This one is an observation of one of my closest friends, we share similar personalities, ways of thinking, and approaches to situations. This anecdote is a behaviour I saw that aligned with what I have written, despite me not mentioning it to him.

He joined a social app where people can organise meet ups, these can be themed around events, particular activities (board games), or ethnic groups. He attended a number of these events to make friends and to ‘put himself out there’. (I told him I would go to some, but I never did.)

Through those events, he found a group of friends, who shared a common interest in travelling. With them, he has travelled to numerous countries across Europe, Africa, and America, vlogging his entire experience, and generally having a great time.