On Change and Love

I wasn’t planning on writing this as soon as I did - But I saw a similar post from someone I know covering similar topics and it spurred to me write this sooner rather than later. If you’re reading this, hey 👋

This summer has been eventful to say the least, from becoming an uncle, to attending various weddings of close friends, it has not only been a time of reflection but also change, acceptance, and appreciation. I have spent hours alone in thought and with friends in prose on how our relationships change and what that means in terms of letting go and embracing change.

My sister welcoming her first-born was a momentous occasion primarily for her and her husband. This was also extended to me, my parents and grandparents, but also uncles and aunts. The last time we were blessed with a child in our immediate family was close to 15 years ago when my cousin was born.

I could go through the changes I’ve noticed within my family but I’ll just stick to a few. My sister, now a mother, has the privilege and responsibility of bringing up a child for a world she will never experience the way her daughter would, of teaching her how to be a good person, and how to make the most of her life. Although times have been stressful, her and her husband have done an amazing job over these first few months.

Although she is now a mother, I remain firm in my thinking that she is first and foremost my sister, we have always had a good relationship and I don’t see that changing, even if she will have the little one in tow for the future.

Evolutionary traits aside, it was hard for me to understand how I was to have a relationship with this baby. It couldn’t speak, it couldn’t understand me, all I could do was talk to it. Thankfully this only lasted a week or so. It was my love for my sister, and then her love for her baby that made this transition all so easy. I had seen my sister throughout her pregnancy, the highs, the lows, and occasionally feeling the kicks from the stomach, which makes the connection seem inevitable. My parent’s words echoed in my head, “you’ll understand when it is your turn.” Although it wasn't my turn, I understood (not that I doubted them).

For me, I was now an uncle, or a mamu/mamoo as we say in Urdu. And this means I am another parent-figure for her. I am expected to step-up whenever it is required. More recently it has been washing the milk bottles, feeding the baby, and grabbing nappies from the store. In the future it could be a school run, babysitting for the day, or an ice-cream trip to mediate when her mother drives her insane (this is an inevitability). For now it is easy, my sister is staying with us, and I can support at any time, but once she moves back home it will naturally require more effort to maintain that relationship, although this is a small price to pay if I want to be the cool rich uncle who is always jet setting.

This summer I also had the privilege of attending 2 weddings, both of close friends. One I met at my part-time job around 2019, and the other who I met at school in 2010. Growing up I never really understood the allure of attending weddings, I barely knew the people, I had to sit there, and the event took hours. But attending the wedding of friends is different, you want to be there, to celebrate their special day between them and their person.

For the first wedding, I drove down with a mutual friend. We spent a long time reminiscing who we were when we first met, to where we are now many years later. It puts into perspective that everyone’s journey is unique. Our friend getting married is several years younger than us, had a different upbringing and family structure, and has taken a non-typical route in life (this is not a bad thing). At this wedding it was also beautiful to see the coming of families, cultures, and religions to celebrate this day. Here I met some customers-turned-friends of the bride who used to frequent our place of work, one of them works at the same organisation I do, so a bit of networking didn’t go amiss.

However, the second wedding 2 weeks later was where things picked up. Firstly, I was asked by the groom (my friend) to help take some decorations and supplies to the venue. Between filling up my car and waiting for someone else to arrive we spoke about the days we were in school, how things have changed, how our views on relationships had developed, and how many of us (now approaching 26/27) are in massive transitory stages of our lives despite having vastly different paths (there is a pattern here). If you had asked us in 2010 if we saw ourselves in that situation 15 years later, we probably would have laughed at you.

I was also asked to arrive early for the main event later that day, specifically to help the groom’s mother and the bride’s mother with last minute errands. This was an honour for me, you wouldn’t ask anyone to be an aide to your mum, let alone the mother of your wife-to-be, the unsaid implications spoke volumes. I did a plethora of things, from helping the bride’s sisters set some tables, to negotiating with the venue manager who was being difficult for the sake of it, and having to carry and set the table. It reminded me of stories from the elders in my family, when they didn’t have the money to pay for wedding caterers, decorators, and the like, it would be the men of the family who set everything up and waited tables. I ended up in my friend’s family photos so I guess there’s that.

During the main event I met some old friends who I had last seen 10 years ago, I hadn’t even spoken to them in that time. Not because we weren’t friends, but we were bad at keeping in touch when we left school at 16. But it was like nothing had changed, we picked up conversations about family, work, and life, catching each other up on a decade’s worth of stories. A school reunion of sorts.

Surprisingly, a friend who we thought would not make it as he was in France for work, showed up at the last minute. He had to fly from France to Germany just to get a flight to London. From then I knew it would be a magical night.

We were joined by other close friends, some of whom were with their partners (who I was meeting for the first time), and we partook in the festivities. Photos, singing, dancing, eating, drinking. The fact that I was surrounded by the same people I had known for close to 15 years, and ones I talk to on a daily basis, was very much a full circle moment. We witnessed our friend marry the love of his life. At intervals I found myself being pulled out by my friends to discuss how beautiful the moment was.

As I drove one of my friends home, we shared the sentiment that we did not want this night to end. From the morning till the night, it had been such an eventful and inspiring day. We called another friend of ours who had left before us, I picked him up from his house, and went out. It was approaching midnight on a Sunday evening, most places were closed, we had work in the morning, but we did not give permission for the night to end.

We found ourselves at a takeout spot which also served tea, perfect for that time of night. The next few hours were spent reflecting on our time together, how things have changed, what the future holds for us, and most importantly that many of us are now living the lives we dreamed about years ago. The dreams that often transpired in the late-night discord calls, while aborad on holidays, and in the quiet whispers of texts between each other.

A lot of what I mentioned here would have otherwise fallen into my Q3 life update (which I will link to when it is out), but this format has allowed me to write in more detail about the things I’ve experienced. I also find it funny that I managed to write this over the course of 3 days when I have another piece which is approaching at least 2 weeks of writing and being nowhere near complete, motivation is a hell of a drug.

Thanks for reading.